A Little Disappeared

Bored. Restless. I think I'm gonna get gone this weekend. But the question is, where?

Thing is, do I not want to be in Portland more than I want to be at Carnivore's? Decisions, decisions.

I may just go down to Boston for a night. I don't think I'll go for a full weekend unless I can just GO. But I am trying to create that opportunity.

Anyone want to go with?

Update: Boston, it is.


Keeping The Faith

Not too long ago, just as the whole divorce thing was happening, on of the advices I recieved was along the lines of "Its a lot easier if you have faith in Jesus". Now, I don't want to say at all that this person who said this to me hasn't been helpful to me in other ways, or that the whole "get saved" message was the bulk of her advice to me. It's just that I've never quite understood the "put your faith in Jesus" thing. Maybe its just the athiest in me. But even if I was religious, I'd think having faith in youself would be more importaint.

And the usuall responce to that? "Well, there are just some things that are to big for you to handle on your own."

And I guess that's true. But isn't that when your faith in your family and friends comes in?

I just can't see putting faith that a mostly unknown entity wil be able to help you out, when the people that know, like and respect you are right there. People that are able to actually help, whether that's giving you a place to crash, helping out financially when they can, or just listening to you ramble on, and sometimes giving you there input.

I guess also, that this goes against alot of the arguments that I've had with D8 about twelve-step groups. I have seen them work for people that are very close to me, and did attend many meatings growing up (Ah, if they could see me now). But, it is true that one of the steps that is required is admitting that there is a "higher-power". Almost saying that "It's not my fault, God handed me the bottle opener". I gues that boils down to, hey if it keeps you from drinking, more power to ya.

But, I am looking for help here. Anyone of the spiritual persuation care to give me some insight? Why does it seem that persons of faith seem to place more stock in faith in Jesus than in themselves, of their loved ones? How about the people that actually read this? Have you had similar questions/conversations?

Just so its clear: I'm not talking down to any one, I truly want to know. And No attempts at conversion, I know where my faith lies, and it's happy there.



So, INXS is looking for a new lead singer. And the forum being used? Reality television, of course.


One Bad Apple

That's what I need to learn how to do sometimes. Less in Real Life than in the anonymous wasteland that is the internet. Ya see, I have this irrational need, it seems, to mock people for certain trivial things. Especially things they may own. SUVs are a great example of this. If I know someone (or sometimes, even if I don't) who buys an SUV, just as a commuter vehicle, I will berate them. "Why?", I ask, "why would you spend twice as much on an SUV as you would on a comparably equipped sedan, and then pay twice as much to fill the fucker up twice as often? Are you going off road? Are you hauling shit? No? Then you have no fucking need for something that big."

I like to think that the SUV mocking is me caring a little bit about the environment, rising price of gas, other people's safety.

But no. I just hate the fucking things.

Sometimes, or more often than not, my object of ire is so trivial, so pointless, that I come across more of a raving lunatic. "Why do you care about THAT?" people say. "Why do you give a rat's ass about anything having to do with that?"

And I have to answer, in all honesty, I don't know.

And where the hell is this all coming from, you ask?

The iPod.

Yep. That little playing-card-deck size lump of plastic and silicon. I see one, hear someone talk about one, and I immediately must insert my foot into my mouth. Like I did here.

But I can't help it. I hate them. Not that I have anything against mp3 players in general. In fact I do own one. I purchased a Creative Labs Zen Touch at the end of last year. I love it. Don't know how I managed without it. And it makes me even more pissed about the iPod.

So, because this is my space, here are my arguments against the iPod. It really breaks down to two things:

My Zen ran me about two and a quarter on Amazon. No granted, it was on sale, and they usually run about two-fifty. An Ipod (from here on out I will not use aPple's stupid capitalization) with the same size hard drive is (or was at the time) about three hundred. Hmmm...

If you buy an Ipod, you're locked into Itunes. Both as a vender (if you purchase music legally) and as the software to run it. With my Zen, I can choose from many, MANY vendors, and almost as many pieces of software to manage my music. And most of the places that I can go to have less DRM restrictions than Itunes.

Now, here's the kicker. Those two issues feed into each other. It's the snake eating its own tail. And Apple has been doing this for a long time with their computers, too. If you want to run the MacOS, you have to buy a Mac. And they set the price. If you want to run Windows, you have probably thousands of different places to go to, many different brands of PCs, or you can build your own. And the competition keeps the price down. On the other side of the coin, if you want to buy a Mac, you have to run MacOS, or fuck around with it to get another OS on there. If I decide tomorrow that I want to run, say, Linux on my PC, I just reformat my drive, and install Linux. Done. So you may say "Well, PCs suck cuz Windows sucks, and Bill Gates is evil", but remember, I'm running Windows by choice.

Even better than all that, lets say I want a new video card. I can walk into Best Buy, point to a card, and say, "I'll have that one." Done. I don't have to check if it's "Windows compatible" (Unless it's made by Apple). Then I install it. Yes, yes, with a Mac, when you plug something in it just works.

As long as its Mac compatible. If it's not, then it just doesn't work.

Well, this was meant to be an apology for those I may have miffed by my unthought out comment. But its not. I will apologize to Psichron for starting a mini-flame war on his blog. But not my hatred for the Ipod.


"Ton Of Bricks For A Wally Fenderson?"

So, I guess it just may be the reality of the situation at hand, but I seem to have more moments of "Holy shit this is really happening. What the hell am I going to do?" I'm still, for the most part, happy. But every now and then something will hit me in just the wrong way. A song, phrase, thought. A whole list of things, really. It does make me realize that I'm not going to get over this quickly. And I need to accept that that's just fine. I can't force myself to be normal in eight weeks. It just ain't gonna happen. And if I do try to force it, I'll be even more screwed up an the other side. And that just won't be good for anyone.

But I will be getting a roommate at the end of the week, I hope. He's agreed to move in, its just a matter of when. That will take care of the whole "empty-rooms" problem I've been having. Along with the "I-Only-Have-One-Set-Of-Silverware-That-I-Borrowed-From-Downstairs" problem.

So, in conclusion, denial is not the way to go, I have been through a complete uprooting, and that's gonna fuck me up for a while. But at least I don't need to buy a new vacuum.


Drunken Ramblings

So, I didn't do a full post yesterday. Commence mockings.

Fuck, I'm in for it now. You fuckers are relentless. Not so much here, but in "real life". Bunch of swine.

So, yes. I am a bit drunk. Looking around for other stuf to drink. But I know there's nothing here. Fuck, I barely have any food in the house. The damn cat has more to eat than I do.

Lucky for you I'm drunk. The best stuff comes out when you have a bit of the ol' "liquid courage" running through your system. A drunk man's off the cuff remark is the sober man's secret. Or something like that.

Horny as fuck. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I know there's noone here when I get home. Anti-Placibo effect. Knowing that you're down to one last smoke, but you don't want to get your ass out to get more. You want that last smoke that much more. I guess I'll have to settle for late night internet porn. God bless Al Gore for inventing the internet.


Quick One

So, based on yesterdays diatribe, imagine how suprised I was to see this in the funnies this morning.

Great, now I'm thinking along the lines of Gary Trudeau.

And for those that will be mocking me, no this doesn't count. I'll post a longer rant later in the day.


Counter Coulter

Its all the Hippies' fault.

There. I've said it.

But, really, think about it. What age group is in power right now? That would be the "Boomers". They who's formative years were right in the middle of the height of Hippie-dom. The Hippies. The ones who were supposed to bring down the system. Destroy the status quo. Rise up. Take over. Peace and love and fuck-all else.

Look where it got us.

forty years later, and we're a lot worse off. Yeah, the sixties had Viet Nam. And we have the Gulf War, Part II. But the level of jingoism surrounding the current skirmish has increased exponentially. You're either with us, or against us.

And again, lest you forget, The demographic with the most power right now is the Boomers. The Hippies. The ones who said "Down with the institutions: government, schools, business, church."

Guess what. This is God's Country, folks.

We're going to legislate morality, beliefs, make our education system as restrictive and creatively stifling as possible. Rights of the multinationals above its workers.

A full one-eighty.

I read a quote somewhere that basically said over the course of twenty years, a liberal will become a conservative without changing a single opinion. But this is overkill.

Its as if our parents, aunts, uncles, et al, decided at some point "Hey, everything we believed was wrong, and we better not let our kids make the same mistakes we did. But, damn, we sure had fun, didn't we?"

And they've ruined it for the next generation. Look around. What counter cultures do you see with any sort of societal, political, or moral impact? Think about it.

Take your time.

I'll wait.

The closest our generation has come to the Hippies is, arguably, the Ravers. But they discovered E. And lets face it: E isn't really conducive of intellectual debate. So, the ravers quickly became Hippies with glow-sticks and less fashion sense.

And now, any other potential subcultures are quickly marginalized, as the ex-hippies know the power they could wield if allowed to reach critical mass.

And the generation behind us is being numbed into submission. That may just be me getting old, but I'm not optimistic about an entire demographic that think that Eminem and Jackass are high art. Watching as those in power use the word "intellectual" as an insult. Being taught that what's on the standardized test is important, and critical thinking isn't. Don't think, just do.

If you think, the terrorists win.

I'd always been bugged by the idea of the hippie. I had no idea why, however. I wrote it off to not being there, being too young, and only being exposed to the neo-hippie (all the aesthetics of the original, none of the ideology). But it just hit me the other day: At this point, we should be living in the Hippie Utopia. If this is it, they were (and are) the biggest group of hypocrites in modern history. If not, shame on them for wasting all of that momentum, idealism, and optimism.

Either way, you've all fucked up.

Get out of the way.

Its our turn.


Deep Slacker Jazz

The last new band I remember getting really excited about was the Fountains Of Wayne when they released their first album in, oh, 96 or 97. Oh, and the Sheila Divine in 98-99. But other than that, there hasn't really been a new band that has really caught my attention. I must just be getting old.

That being said, I haven't stopped listening to the new Doughty album, Haughty Melodic since my co-worker Rob burned it for me. Really fucking good. For those of you that I haven't extolled the virtues of M Doughty to, and don't know who he is, Doughty was the lead singer for the now-defunct Soul Coughing. When I heard him drone the line "He flicks an ash like a wild, loose coma" on SC's first album Ruby Vroom, I knew that I had found my first major influence in my own writing. (I would love to say that Douglas Adams has that honor. However, I cannot, for the life of me, write even basic dialog. Let alone what DA was able to do. It might be that I'm just not British.)
Enough tangent. The new Doughty album is a lot more sing-songy than anything he did with SC. Its his first solo album with a full backing band, and it does make the whole piece feel more Singer-Songwriter. A style that I usually avoid like the plague, with the possible exceptions of Michael Penn and Aimee Mann. But on this album, it just seems to work. And like his first solo album Skittish, I find more to like about it with every listen.
It might just be enough to get me excited about music again.

In a completely unrelated note, I may have a roommate here soon. I think I'll find out tomorrow. It'd be good. Save some money. Have some company.

And to quote Pete Abrhams, that's it. I'm going back to bed.



So, it's done. All but the actual part of a judge saying "You're no longer married. Congratultions, you're a statistic". And I do have to say that it was a lot easier than I would have thought to seperate my life from someone who I shared it with for four years. We pretty much spent a total of ten hours together, in our old apartment saying "Hey, do you want the microwave? Can I take that set of towels your aunt gave us?" and I think both of us wanting to yell "Can we just get this over with".

We did talk. We do miss each other. The comfort of getting home, sacking out on the couch, watching the news, and going to bed. But we also realized, we were content. We weren't happy. Huge difference. But it will take a lot longer to seperate that part of my life from her.

Happier? Absolutely. Content? Not so much. I think that's a Good Thing. I'm happy just taking some time to my self. I'm now comfortable enough to spend the evening alone, watch bad movies, eat dinner, write...what ever.

I've mentioned before that I have been writing as much as I should be. That needs to change. And looking at the last update here, I'm not off to a good start. So, I'm taking a couple of weeks to get my shit straight in my head, relax, get my shit straight in my apartment, do the dumb things I gotta do, touch the puppet head. Then I start beating myself up. Daily. Every day. Something. I think it will usually be here (I'm kinda an exhibitionist when it comes to my writing). Expect a lot of crap.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

I've also lost a lot socially. I guess it make sense. I haven't been going out with my friends for three years. But it seems I used to know everybody, and they all knew me. If I wasn't "Wally" to them, at least I was "The Coat Check Guy" or "The Gut Who Had A Staring Contest On TV" or something. I miss that. My ego needs that (I think its the whole Leo thing). So I'm working on that as well. Easier task. It just means I go out more. Socialize. Again, expect a lot of crap.

Don't say I didn't warn you.